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Threats & Protection

Homeland Security Advisory System

Homeland Security Advisory System
Homeland Security Advisory System
Understanding the Homeland Security Advisory System

The world has changed since November 17, 2003, when Massachusetts' highest court ruled in favor of allowing same-sex couples to marry. We remain a nation at risk of same-sex matrimony and will remain at risk for the foreseeable future. At all Threat Conditions, we must remain vigilant, prepared, and ready to deter the homosexual agenda. The following Threat Conditions each represent an increasing risk of same-sex nuptuals. Beneath each Threat Condition are some suggested Protective Measures, recognizing that the heads of Federal departments and agencies are responsible for developing and implementing appropriate agency-specific Protective Measures:

1. Low Condition (Green). This condition is declared when there is a low risk of same-sex weddings. Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures they develop and implement:

  • Refining and exercising as appropriate preplanned Protective Measures;
  • Ensuring personnel receive proper training in various manly, non-homosexual sports such as wrestling and gymnastics; and
  • Institutionalizing a process to assure that all banquest and hotel facilities and regulated sectors are regularly assessed for potential bookings by homosexuals and their families, and all reasonable measures are taken to mitigate these vulnerabilities.


2. Guarded Condition (Blue). This condition is declared when there is a general risk of same-sex weddings. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Condition, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:

  • Checking with their Southern Baptist pastors for designated emergency response or prayer locations;
  • Reviewing and updating emergency response procedures; and
  • Providing the public with any information that would strengthen its ability to act appropriately, including widespread dissemantion of Jack Chick pamphlets and a ban on sale of dance music and stylish clothing.

3. Elevated Condition (Yellow). An Elevated Condition is declared when there is a significant risk of gay weddings. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:

  • Increasing surveillance of critical locations such as Pottery Barn, Ikea, and Home Depot (lesbians only);
  • Coordinating emergency picketing and prayer plans as appropriate with nearby jurisdictions;
  • Activation of the Mecha Mel Gibson;
  • Assessing whether the precise characteristics of the threat require the further refinement of preplanned Protective Measures such as activation of Pat Robertson's shadow army of the undead; and
  • Implementing, as appropriate, contingency and emergency response plans.


4. High Condition (Orange). A High Condition is declared when there is a high risk of queer matrimony. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:

  • Activation of the obedience chips installed in all Log Cabin Republicans;
  • Taking additional precautions at public events, such as vigorous full-body cavity searches and activation of the Republican National Guard;
  • Preparing to execute contingency procedures, such as replacing Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with NASCAR reruns; and
  • Restricting threatened facility access to heterosexual personnel only.


5. Severe Condition (Red). A Severe Condition reflects the potential of immediate gay weddings and the downfall of our Republic. Under most circumstances, the Protective Measures for a Severe Condition are not intended to be sustained for substantial periods of time; generally a Threat Condition Red will end after the Rapture occurs, as Jesus said it would. In addition to the Protective Measures in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies also should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:

  • Immediate ban on the words "fabulous" "girlfriend" "civil rights" and "Santorum";
  • Assigning emergency response personnel and pre-positioning and mobilizing specially trained teams of heavily armed Brides of Christ;
  • B-52 strikes on Boston, San Francisco, Seattle, and other Godless realms;
  • Monitoring, redirecting, or constraining transportation systems used by homosexuals, especially the closure of all Subaru dealers; and
  • The use of large amounts of White Out and Sharpie Markers to "repair" the Constitution.





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