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AT&T: Our masochistic customers want to be capped

May 5th, 2011

So, as most people know, AT&T has started capping their broadband internet packages. This is a thoroughly awful, consumer-unfriendly act, but, with a bit of doublespeak that would make a Soviet commissar blush, AT&T is claiming that customers actually asked for caps! Needless to say, I had to find out more, and, well, it sure looks that way according to this official AT&T press release:

Joyful Proletariat Welcome New AT&T Internet Enhancements

Peasants Cheer as Precious Bandwidth Allowance Distributed

May 2, 2011 – As Reported by Official News Service of DPRK-AT&T

As reported by the glorious Peoples Commissariat of Internet Resources (known to the decadent bourgeoisie as the AT&T Marketing Department) workers and peasants through the Peoples Republic of AT&T expressed their unalloyed joy at the latest culmination of the the glorious Five Year Bandwidth Allocation Initiative, which grants all members of the Outer Party an amazing 150 GB of precious bandwidth every month. The People's Congress has also agreed to award Inner Party members up to 250 GB of bandwidth, as a reward for loyal service to the Motherland.

Bandwidth is a precious and limited resource of the State, and AT&T citizens are grateful and thankful that this precious resource is now limited. Prior to the new limits, wreckers and bourgeoisie infiltrators used more then their fair share of this resource.

Winston Smith, a proud Party member in our great Workers Paradise, was quoted as saying "Previously, I lived in fear that I was inadvertently weakening our State by using too much bandwidth. I am so relieved that the I may now use only 250 GB of data. The strong, comforting hand of our Great Leader acts as a rudder upon the ship of my broadband connection!"

It is expected that any workers who are not satisfied with their bandwidth allocation will engage in public Self Criticism at the next Party committee meeting.


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