Red Letter Day

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Misdirected email du jour, and response

From: David Raines
date: Wed, Jul 22, 2009 at 10:05 AM
subject: Follow-up

On Wed, Jul 22, 2009 at 10:05 AM, David Raines wrote:

Follow-up on your interest in a Mass Flow Hot Wire 50 hp increase in horsepower to the rear wheels ?? David.

David Raines
Powerhaus Porsche
1-480-REDACTED cell number
1-602-REDACTED office


I don't know how many times I have been on an international spy mission, with the beautiful Trixie Rochentiets in one arm and my other hand on the wheel of my 911 as I race down the cobblestoned streets of Barcelona, tires squealing, wind rushing by, followed by the ever closer "pop pop" of my adversary's 9mm as he closes in, desperate to recapture the plans for the top secret XRL-3000....and as the memories of last night's gin martinis fade into the rear-view, I think to myself....if only I had an additional 50 horsepower available, I might be able to effect the getaway, save the free world, and have my way with Trixie......alas....

But, as much as I would love to not only own a Porsche but also a Porsche with an extra 50 HP, I must regretfully inform you that I am not the person to whom your email is properly addressed, so I would ask you to check your email address and make sure it gets to the right person, because somewhere out there is a person who needs that extra rear wheel horsepower!


FOLLOWUP: This David bloke is a good sport at least. Here's his response to my email missive above: "AWESOME RESPONSE, you deserve a Porsche. Yes a minute or two later i figured out that i was prospecting you instad of responding to you.
Hope you catch those bad guys. DR."


Sunday, December 16, 2007

Why can't I just enjoy the damn movie?

OK, a warning...this post contains massive spoilers for the movie I am Legend. Do not read any further if you do not want to read about events that happen in the movie. I will add some white space and additional warnings in case you are reading this is a news feed.

Spoilers ahead.....go on to the next URL now unless you want to ruin it for yourself....

Last warning.....


I liked the movie; it was an entertaining hour and a half, but there was so much that just didn't make sense, so many logical inconsistencies that thinking about them came very close to ruining the suspension of disbelief. Here are some really obvious random order...

1. What is the point of blowing up the bridges off Manhattan? This make little sense as a method for quarantining an airborne virus, especially in such a porous location as Manhattan? If you want to prevent people from leaving, a huge cordon of tanks and soldiers on the bridges would have worked just as well and been easy to reverse (we assume that at this time in the story, the government still thinks it can beat this thing). And what about all the additional ways to get across the rivers? Boats, rafts, even a risky swim?

2. Where are the bodies...or the bones? According to Wil Smith, about 90% of the population is killed outright by the plague. This would result in about 5 million bodies strewn throughout Manhattan. Even if we assume the zombies ate most of the corpses, they couldn't eat the bones, and you would expect human bones to literally litter pretty much all of the island...but in the movie, there is no sign of the former human population of the city.

3. So the zombies...there are so many things wrong with them. First, how do they stay alive? Assuming they ate the dead, maybe that gets them through a year. But three years later, there's nothing alive on the island except Wil Smith and a bunch of wild animals. Given how common the zombies are (their howls echo through the night) what exactly are they eating?

Some other zombie musings....

... Are they intelligent or not? Sometimes they seem to have all the thought capabilities of a rabid animals, just hurling themselves randomly at their prey. Wil Smith himself say they no longer have any signs of humanity. However, throughout the movie they also show signs of significant intelligence, particularly their construction of the baited trap Wil Smith gets ensnared in; they also appear to have control over the zombie dogs, with the leader siccing the dogs on Smith; this same zombie leader appears in several other scenes exhibiting a human level of cunning, hatred and vengeance.

... Physiologically, the zombies make no sense. Even assuming that somehow they are able to sustain their ridiculously overheated physiology's (super sped-up heart rate and respiration) that would kill a human after more then a couple hours, and that they somehow had super-human strength and durability (even the strongest man alive would not be able to rip apart the roof of a building without tearing himself apart at the same time) this massive expenditure of strength and speed (and the extreme metabolism) would require an extraordinary input of calories (there's a reason squirrels, mice, and hummingbirds spend all their time eating)...which takes me back to my earlier point...what are they eating?

...In three years the zombies have not managed to track down Will Smith to his house? Keeping in mind that he would have to run his generators 24/7 to keep the power to the lab (and other things) going, I don't think it would be too hard for even the most dim-witted zombie, out wandering late at night to sense that something tasty might be living in this one house on the whole island that isn't silent as a tomb at night.

OK, I'll stop for now. I still liked the movie. The scenes of Manhattan in all its decaying glory were wonderfully imagined, and made me think of the ruins of Rome or other great civilizations, and I do always enjoy zombie flicks...and that is what the movie was, not a scientific documentary, so please take my critique above with a grain of salt. But still...

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Very Very Important!!!

I got this wonderfully exciting envelope in the mail, trying to get me to renew my subscription to some mediocre magazine (Esquire, I think) that I subscribed to out of a moment of weakness.

I just love the level of hyperbole in this notice. It almost feels like a matter of national security:

1. "Final Notice For Uninterrupted Delivery" -- Promises, promises...they keep sending these to me even though I have studiously ignored every one. I especially love their detailed and, well, authoritative instructions to the Postmaster:

"ATTENTION POSTMASTER: Handle in conformance with Postal Law and Regulations as outlined in the USPS domestic mail manual"

You know, because there are probably some smart-ass postmasters who just do not respect Postal Law and Regulations. Hell, some postal employees probably haven't even read the Domestic Mail Manual.

2. Now they are ordering me around, as if I were a mere Postmaster. How dare I allow subscription interruption!

3. "Urgent: Your exact address is important. If you have moved notify Postal Service or any other agency handling your route."

"Other agency?" Like I get my mail delivered by the CIA or something?


Saturday, February 24, 2007

No comments about "mystery meat" please

Yo quiero las ratas de Taco Bell


Friday, February 02, 2007

I'd hate to see what would happen if they didn't have a truce

Gaza erupts in fatal clashes after truce (actual AP headline)


Thursday, February 01, 2007

As if eating at Taco Bell wasn't hurtful enough....

Man gay-bashed by Taco Bell employee.

Those half-pound burritos will do violence to both your digestive tract and your face, apparently.